


Why Was It Me?

by Mrs_SimonTam_PHD



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant to a Point, Dean and Lucifer are in a prank war, Established Relationship, Hallucifer Mention, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Swearing, Upset!Lucifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-15 03:15:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14782602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD/pseuds/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD
Summary: Lucifer finds out what Sam hallucinated.





	Why Was It Me?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LuxInvictus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuxInvictus/gifts).



> THIS IS FOR THE WONDERFUL @coffee-queen448. She requested this fic based on this: http://lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell.tumblr.com/post/174260511380/lucifer-finding-out-about-hallucifer-for-luci

Lucifer stared in shock and horror at his lover, his other half, unable to believe what he had just heard. 

Apparently, Sam’s hallucinations about the tortures in the Cage once the wall broke and flooded Sam with the memories took on a very specific form. 

_ His. _

Lucifer supposed that that was to be expected. Michael tried his damn hardest to destroy Sam- after all, it was because of that patent Winchester stubbornness and self-sacrificial streak that Michael was in the Cage with the two of them. Death had quietly and sneakily ferried Adam’s soul off to Heaven shortly after the tumble into the Cage, for which Sam had been grateful for. The Cage had also tried to tear Sam down, to destroy the pure and bright soul within its walls. He and Michael had taken their own tolls- last he saw Michael, his brother was singing show tunes and touching himself inappropriately. And bit him whenever Lucifer tried to help prevent the madness.

Lucifer never wants to see Michael naked again. Unfortunately, the images were burned into his very being. 

But to hear that in order to cope with the traumas of the Cage, Sam’s mind created a warped version of  _ him. . . . _ it hurt Lucifer to the core. 

“Angel?” Sam asked, gently cupping Lucifer’s face. “Talk to me.” 

“Why. . . why me?” he asked softly. 

“I don’t know, Luce,” Sam said just as softly. As if the words would break the air. 

“Was it. . .” He swallowed. It hurt. “Was it a ‘good’ hallucination?” 

Sam sighed heavily and kissed Lucifer’s forehead. “Not exactly,” he admitted. “I mean, your sass was there, possibly in full force, and that was comforting, as it was to see you.” 

Lucifer quirked an eyebrow in confusion. 

“You had helped me on a case,” Sam explained softly, “And I had found a demon summoning spell and when I asked ‘why’, you said, ‘why? To summon demons, jackass’.” 

Lucifer snorted. “That definitely sounds like something I’d say,” he admitted. 

“But you were also a terror,” Sam continued. “You wouldn’t let me sleep.” 

“Oh Father,” Lucifer whispered, closing his eyes. 

“You sang ‘Stairway to Heaven’ about fifty, maybe sixty times. In a row. You made it so I couldn’t eat. You threw firecrackers. You weren’t. . . you weren’t the best.” 

“I’m  _ so  _ sorry, Sam,” Lucifer whispered, clutching the front of Sam’s shirt, tears spilling from his lashes. “I. . . I would  _ never _ -” 

“I know,” Sam soothed, drawing his arms around Lucifer and hugged him close. “I know, angel. I’m so sorry.” 

“No,  _ I’m  _ sorry, it should’ve been Michael you hallucinated, it should’ve been  _ anyone else  _ but me, and it was me, it’s my fault, oh my Father,” Lucifer wept. 

Sam held him close, rocked him. Soothed him. And Lucifer just cried, sinking to his knees in front of Sam. He clung to his human’s shirt, using it to keep his eyes and cheeks dry as he cried. 

It was cruel for Sam’s mind to do this. It was cruel for him to even allow himself the chance to think that Sam’s mind would’ve escaped the horrors. 

He understood that this was Sam’s mind’s way of protecting Sam. From the tortures of the Cage. From the hell of a year Sam wandered the Earth without his soul. From everything that wasn’t  _ Sam. _ And he could appreciate the fact that Sam’s mind  _ could  _ do this. He doesn’t want to remember his own tortures of the Cage. The eons of Hell. But he didn’t go mad. Maybe it’s because he was too angry, too prideful. Too  _ something.  _ Or maybe the Mark protected him somehow. He could still feel it on his skin sometimes. 

It should’ve been Michael. But no. Sam’s mind chose  _ him.  _ Chose Lucifer, Sam’s true half, his mate, his Archangel to embody the Cage and its tortures. It chose  _ him  _ to be Sam’s worst nightmare. One Sam couldn’t escape from. 

Out of all of the horrors Lucifer’s witnessed in his infinite life, this has to be the worst. 

“I’m so sorry, Sam, for everything I’ve done wrong unto you,” he whispered thickly. Sam’s long fingers combed through his hair, grounding him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I didn’t want this to happen to you. I didn’t. . .I didn’t. . . I didn’t want to.” 

“Shh, Luce,” Sam soothed gently, still stroking his hair. 

“Forgive me, Sam, forgive me,” he begged. 

Sam kneeled in front of Lucifer and cupped his face in his hands, forcing Lucifer to look into kaleidoscope eyes. Forever changing. Forever loving. Forever  _ Sam. _ “Listen to me, Luce, can you do that?” he asked gently. 

Lucifer nodded his head rapidly, even though it hurt his head.  _ Why do we get headaches when we cry? _ He wondered idly. 

“The hallucination I took on to protect myself  _ isn’t your fault, _ ” Sam insisted. “It’s no one’s.” 

“But why?” Lucifer cried. 

“I was desperate to see you again,” Sam whispered, kissing Lucifer softly. “I wanted  _ this  _ again, and my mind warped it. It’s absolutely not your fault. It has never been your fault, and it never  _ will  _ be your fault.” 

“But-” 

“But nothing, Lucifer,” Sam said softly, firmly. “I love you. I love  _ all  _ of you. And while, yes, hallucinating you was a tad annoying, it wasn’t  _ you. _ ” A small smile curled on Sam’s lips. “The hallucination was whiny. Like a child.” 

“You  _ literally  _ just called me a child yesterday,” Lucifer whimpered. 

“Lucifer, you put  _ Nair in Dean’s shampoo. _ ” Sam said this with an exasperated sigh. “More like the hallucination of you literally whined ‘Saaaaam, c’mon, pay attention to me I’m  _ bored _ .’ In the middle of a goddamn  _ library. _ ” 

Lucifer giggled. He always giggled when Sam swore like that. “So I threw a tantrum?” 

“Yes,” Sam huffed. “You did. Well, the hallucination did.”  He smiled and ruffled his fingers through Lucifer’s hair. “And knowing that it wasn’t the real you helped me. And it just made me miss you more.” 

“So-” Lucifer swallowed. “You still love me?”

Sam smiled softly and kissed Lucifer again. “Always. It’ll take more than my hallucination to get rid of you.” 

Lucifer gave a tired smile. 

“Still thinking it’s your fault, huh?” Sam asked. 

Lucifer huffed. “Get out of my head,” he whined. 

“That’s okay,” Sam whispered. “We’ll work on that. Together. Right?” 

Lucifer gave a small smile. 

“Right.” 

Sam and Lucifer knew that this would be the first of many breakdowns over the subject of the hallucination. But they also knew that they would talk through it and work through it. 

Just like they did with everything else.

“I love you.” 

“I love you, too. Very much.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr! @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell
> 
> Comments and Kudos are Shiny!!


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